Get me throughWritten to God on March 10th, 2012
I have had a rough time since i was 18. I got pregnant with my first son by a very abusive alcoholic man when i was 18 and let him take from me and my child up until i was 23. He had another baby outside of our relationship and was never able to truly get over it until i got pregnant with my second son when i was 23 by another man who made me believe he was a good man. Everything was good and i thought i had finally found my happiness until i was 8 months pregnant and found out he had gotten a couple other girls pregnant as well. Those children were never born so i tried to stick it out for another 5months. Nothing changed. Many nights he wouldnt come home and i was alone most of the time taking care of my 2 boys. I caught him cheating again and finally left. I guess i just hadnt let him hurt me enough because even after i left i kept going back. I got pregnant again and term’d the pregnancy. I felt so guilty for doing it i let him get me pregnant again a couple months later just to turn around and lose thay baby because i let him stress me out so bad. I am so irresponsible i again got pregnant by him again a few more months after that. I rationalized it to my self that maybe with another baby he would care more and want to do right by us. I also told myself that i really wanted a little girl and not by a 3rd man. He tried to come around through my pregnancy but I never really believed his attempts as sincere so i pushed him away and didnt really let him come around even up until my daughter s birth i didnt let him come. Now my daughter os 3 weeks old and he doesn’t care anymore then he did before. If anything he cares less because i wouldn’t let him be around. I am not a welfare mom, i work very hard and continue to go to school so i can take care of my children. I just feel its entirely unfair i get stuck by myself with all of the heart ache. I need strength and hope that i can get through this. I am so miserable doing this by myself and feel like i will never get over the pain this man put me through! I even felt suicidal most of my pregnancy. Some days i still feel this way. The pain from all the betrayal is unbearable. Please give me hope and bring good people into my life. I dont have many friends and need to just feel loved by more people then just my kids and my parents who are the only source of stable, consistent help i have. Please lead me to tje patg that will lead to recovery because right now i just feel lost and dont know which waay to go. I love you my lord and please answer my prayer!
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