God, I don’t know what to do anymore.Written to God on January 29th, 2012
It’s 3:20 in the morning, I don’t know what I’m doing. Every night since I lost her, every day, I’ve thought about her. Please Father, I don’t know what to do.
I lied to her, I cheated, and now she’s with someone that is actually perfect for her, I don’t resent the fact that she someone better. I just know that I could have done better and it hurts to know that I didn’t, she was perfect, she was everything that I’ve ever wanted, I ruined the blessing you gave me of my own accord.
During spring break two years back, I was at a party, I lost my virginity to a 25 year old when I was 17. When we found out that she was pregnant I didn’t freak out, I didn’t even stop to consider what I was doing, I suggested abortion so casually and she didn’t want to, she wanted to keep our baby. I had no interest in taking care of a child, I wanted her to kill him. I hate myself for that, no matter what, I can’t bring him back, I can’t change what I did, I can’t change what I made her do. I hurt her and I’m responsible for the death of my own child. It kills me to think about it, but that doesn’t make up for what I did, I could live forever, I could do all the good in the world and never be able to erase what I did. Please let me know he’s safe in your kingdom Father? I do not deserve to know anything about him, I hope that he resents me, I hope that she resents me. I don’t want to ever make that mistake again father, I can’t say it, I can’t even bring myself to say that I love him, it wouldn’t ever make up for what I did.
I though I had a chance to redeem myself when I met Brooklyn, I thought I had a chance to do right by someone, to make up for what I did. I Loved and still Love Brooklyn with all my heart, when we met for the first real time at a party, she was too perfect for me, I didn’t know what to do. I really liked her at that time, but I knew I would just mess things up, I let one of my best friends go out with her instead. She still talked to me a lot, one night, she told me that she was pregnant, that she had been raped on her way home from a party a few months back. She didn’t know what to do, but all she knew was that she wanted to keep the baby, she didn’t know how to tell her boyfriend, but when she did he wanted her to get an abortion. I couldn’t stand that, I couldn’t stand the thought of someone making the same mistake I did, she couldn’t either, she broke up with him and we started going out. Everything was perfect, beyond perfect, you blessed me beyond imagination with her Father. I wanted to be with her long before I knew about the baby, and I Loved her even more because of him.
I guess karma does exist, just when I thought things couldn’t get any more perfect, she had a miscarriage. I didn’t know what to say, she was breaking down, I couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t Father. I Loved him as much as I Loved her, it hurt too much for both of us. We couldn’t stay together.. We tried but it didn’t work. PLEASE GOD HELP ME, I’M LOST AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I BELIEVE IN YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL FATHER BUT I’M AT THE END OF MY ROPE, GOING THROUGH LIFE JUST DAY BY DAY MOTION BY MOTION THINKING OF NOTHING BUT THE PAST AND MY OWN DELUDED FANTASIES, PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP AND HELP ME FATHER, PLEASE?
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