when I look back at my life, I am slapped in the face by my sins. When I was younger and committing my sins, though you were there with me trying to guide me and lead me, I still took the wrong paths. My sins have not only hurt me and you, but also my family. I know that I am blessed now. Yet, I can’t see my blessings because I am drowning in grief, despair, and loneliness. You are the only one I can trust in and tell my sins and fears: the only one that does sincerely and unconditionally care. I am reaping what I have sewed; yet, I cannot handle the consequences of my actions. I miss him (Lord, you know of whom I speak); I miss all of them; I cannot believe my sins and foolishness.
I forgive them all and pray that I can be forgiven. Lord, you know of what I speak. I miss my parents; I miss the joy, hope, and dreams that I had. My purpose is to be your testimony of your grace and mercy: yet, I cannot see past my sins and shame. You are here with me: I know it. But, my simple ways are blocking me from embracing you. I am one of my biggest enemies. I know I have to carry my cross (my burdens); but, I am so tired and feel like giving up. Sometimes, I hate the thought of myself. Lord, I need you and your will. Lord, I live only because it is your will. I want to make my will your will: yet, I don’t know how. Lord, please help me to be the person you want me to be for your glory. I am alive so I know it is not too late.
I don’t want to envy or covet others’ happiness and live in bitterness. I take full responsibility for my sins. I don’t want revenge against those that have purposely hurt me and reveled in my pain: I want to be a better person. I pray that I can see all of my enemies AND loved ones in heaven. I want us all to be saved: I don’t wish hell and damnation on anyone (though my enemies may wish it upon me). I pray that they find peace and no longer allow revenge and hatred to lead them.
Lord, I don’t know what to dream for: a family, joy, friends, money, career, and so forth? I do know that I want salvation. Lord, please give me the strength, endurance, wisdom, and patience to walk your path. Lord, you are all that I have: I will not lose you or walk away from you again.